I’ve found myself apologizing to people a lot lately.
I’m not certain if it’s because I’ve been more offensive
Or I’ve just noticed my actions
And the way I can sometimes be both a slap and a distraction
The attraction of risking others’ emotions is
The Attention, the resultant direction of
Eyes towards my antics, my words.
I’m the first to admit it.
And too often
I don’t look at what I’ve said
Until the later hours, when someone says
That really hit me hard.”
And then I apologize
Because at that point there’s no other words
To make it less stinging, less hard;
Even “I’m sorry” really won’t heal that much
Of the scar.
I say scars, but only ’cause it rhymes;
Maybe there’s been a few times
Where I’ve been so unkind that it cuts so deep
The surrounding tissue puckers and heals awry,
But mostly they’re bumps and bruises,
A few paper cuts.
Don’t think I don’t care, I’m
Scared of what I do when I’m not looking
To the people
I care about.
I know the best solution to my apology condition (my
blatant inattention) would be to
Tone down my actions.
I’ve never really done that.
I don’t know how to backtrack or which
Words lack the stinging smack of
The only solution,
The only viable battle plan is to listen
Instead of speaking
And try to swing it so I don’t seem sullen, don’t attract
Attention with my silence.
Some of my favourite people
Are completely understated.
The ones who say the funniest things
In the quietest voices.
It’s not in my blood to be that way.
But I could quiet what I do,
Save the energy for emergencies and
Say better things.
Draw out this marrow and
Replace it with
An endless internal supply.
Replicating cells of
Quieter quiet. It grows
© Emily Bragg 2013