without it I become a puppet
without a puppeteer.
I am a fixture among thousands
walking mindless towards—
but in recent days
the strings seem too brittle to hold
my head up, my neck straight
(never mind my arms, my legs)
I am a little past diminished than
even four cups in.
[note: if you’re picky about the formatting of poetry staying the way I wrote it, please click on the post to view it with the original spacing]
I wish our falling out was like Hiroshima
that mushroom clouds stretched in fine grey carpets
for miles in each direction,
and that when we spoke to each other
we could hear worlds burn.
But this, this cool dissemblance
logical, discussed, like a thick needle pumping blood
from my arm into a bag: I
will not, I can not lie still.
Small, sharp pains, fleeting–
our heartbeats keep us rocking back and forth,
holding aches in both hands.
This story is written as it writes itself onward,
and we burn with fever-eyed desire
to tear out the pages;
to flip forward
anything but this blind fumbling for answers–
but our hands keep slack at our sides.
I am walking in both directions, both towards
and away from you
and neither of us have the heart to stop
and ask for directions
because neither of us want to know.
You gotta be kidding me, I haven’t posted in a little under a month. Lots of things have happened! Exciting things, terrifying things, sad things, happy things, and life-altering things. I’ll do a bullet list for simplicity’s sake:
- ArtsWells: Five days of running around relatively unshowered, mingling with musicians, drinking in the gorgeous scenery and shows, and managing a crazy merch shop for volunteer hours. Free tickets, guys. I only got injured once (rebar dropped on foot: bruised, bloody, but not broken), and we ate delicious vegetarian feasts every day. So much food. So many good people. So little clothing. I want to go back.
- The End of School: My exam that I wrote the night I got back from ArtsWells was….uneventful (and by “uneventful” I mean “off-the-cuff and chock-full of the finest bullshit academia has ever seen). My other two classes were AWESOME. I aced my big papers, killed the finals, and generally was awesome. I made a thank-you card for that professor: should have taken photo, ’cause it was pretty sweet.
- ArtsWells Recovery: It was difficult. It was. All I wanted was coffee and a hug. Every five minutes. Also a strange aversion to showering regularly, and a affinity for office dance parties to the $97 of merch CD’s I bought. Well, there were poetry books and a poster, too, but…
- Piercings/Armageddon: I went and got my daith and tragus pierced on my left ear. As I’m still living at home (at twenty years old, not too shameful), I had hoped my parents would understand that I had pierced my ear (again) for some very personal reasons, but unfortunately, that was not the case. It was a ‘take them out, or get out of their house’ situation. So it’s back to the drawing board. I’ll be removing them tomorrow, a week after getting them done, in the interest of keeping a roof over my head. Pragmatism, guys.
- Timeline for the Future: This leads into my next trick, moving out. It’s a thing that’s needed to happen for a while, but tensions are varying levels of high in my parents’ house, and it’s time to start seriously thinking of starting out in the world by my lonesome. My timeline thus far is: travel in spring (Thailand and New Zealand), return to set-up job, work all summer, and move out just before fall semester. To fund the travelling, I’m hoping to get a job at the bookstore in my university for next semester, as they pay nice sums of money and work around your school schedule. I’m also going to be setting up an Etsy store and doing a few Christmas craft fairs to raise funds (and keep me creating). Wish me luck!
- Bow ties: I made my fourth bow tie last week. I’ll post it as a project, but it’s real nice. I’ll be making another, for my dad’s birthday, tonight.
- So how’s everyone out there? Have you been writing, creating, adventuring? I’ll be posting more often, in an effort to banish mood swings etcetera, because that shit’s no fun. Anyways. Keep being lovely. I love you all.